it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
