Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We're too hungover to prance.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
