she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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