I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
