so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
