my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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