Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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