i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
