just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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