I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
