i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
