she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
