Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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