the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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