life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
