The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
