So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
