what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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