i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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