i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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