I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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