Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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