just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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