one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
