id be glad to
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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