..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize