I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
The best revenge is premature balding
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
