The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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