My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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