i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
People in love make me want to vomit
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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