yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
