Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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