I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
