By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
