We won't sleep together?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
