his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
