Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That accounts for only three of the penises
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
