your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
