dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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