I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize