Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
