So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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