Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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