This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
