...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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