I'm going to jail i love you
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
