You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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