I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
