Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
