Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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