I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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