Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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