I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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