god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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