Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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