No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
