woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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