dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and you said cock pushups were impossible
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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