i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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