do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize