I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Randomize
