I wish I only lived at night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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