I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
