i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
