please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Are we still banned from the library?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
